#ignoring the time related issues
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Random thing I learnt while doing research for a paper:
The beginning of German (radio) broadcasting history started in the so called Vox-Haus (Vox-house) with the broadcast of the first radio show for entertainment.
And there is a TV channel in Germany which is called VOX and its colour scheme is red-black.
Vox, I have questions.
#my brain was already spending too much time thinking about Hazbin Hotel bc of the whole radio stuff#and then Vox appears like that#is Vox German in my head now?#yes#this one paragraph about the Vox-Haus gave me way too many ideas for headcanons#I just live for the coincidence here#and the coincidence that VOX has Alastor's colour scheme#vox#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel vox#late night shitpost#akikos shitpost#okay but you need to know that the Vox-Haus was demolished in the 70s#and the TV channel VOX was founded in the 90s#ignoring the time related issues#this looks like as if VOX decided to give up his radio business and went into television business#getting rid of evidence that he ever worked in the radio business#just saying you can create some head canons out of this#yes I've spent too much time thinking about this for no reason#the TV channel is btw not related to the Vox-Haus in any way#it's just a coincidence that they share a name
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Wuh oh (Patreon)
Bonus:
The novel experience of being crushed by a giant rock, a visual metaphor
#Doodles#ISaT#Siffrin#Loop#Yaaaay suffering <3 <3 <3#Lol#Starting with a cute practice Sif to get used to drawing them a bit more they're so cute what the heck#He's so shaped I love that for him and about him#Crisp design very nice#Sif really is the embodiment of ''Ignorance is bliss'' and being so maladjusted about it :'D#His memory issues make the me a sad#Ironically I try not to think about it too hard or else I'll get Really sad lol#Memory is the foundation of individual personhood! It's such a tragedy weh#Him brushing things off by falling back into his issues is just so agh Sif no you deserve better!#Some sillies lol I never know if I should give content warnings for these kinds of jokes - I don't make them often!#Loop's line in the Jello streams is So good I couldn't not lol#Happy Wednesday fr btw lol yes I did do that on purpose#The last one agh the red and like - can we talk about Sif (and Loop's and Odile's) specific portraits where their hands do the spark thing??#I always forget how art can be Whatever and that overlapping/removing lineart to imply shapes and movement and just jfdslafd#It's so cool I love it so much it's very inspiring#The bonus is mostly a joke lol - again while watching the Jello streams Lenti was talking about how much she relates to Sif#And I was privately like ''Haha thank goodness I don't relate to him! Couldn't be me!'' And Then#It's fine lol I'm aware of my overlapping issues - I fall more on the Isa side of ''Sounds fake but okay'' but yeah.....yeahhhh lol#As long as I don't get trapped in a time loop about it! Poor Sif haha
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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
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how to go from a one-shot/conversation spawned from thinking too much about an unseen father to more than a dozen fic ideas and an overarching narrative about family heritage (and the generational trauma that comes with it), the importance of communication, and how all lives touch other lives to create something anew and alive in one easy step
#pokemon#sir aaron#blood curse of sir aaron#<- series name for all this nonsense in case i wind up talking about it more here. will probably post links here once more is written#no seriously this was supposed to be a one-shot with maybe ONE sequel. now there's 4 sequels and at least 7 directly related side stories#and three (3) fics that are more or less gonna serve as prequels/background for all my canons at this point when riley's involved#it was also only supposed to be one and then i had Ideas and did not stop them.#(benefit of setting things during legends arceus and promptly ignoring the actual protag)#i've only had the core idea rolling around my brain for 6 months and there's this many fics. prequel 1 came before but the others are newer#at least i'm not trying to write an entire game plot this time unlike my other big pokemon project#so much of the conflict could've been avoided with better communication. not all of it mind you but the big issues? yeah#at the very least they could've been handled a LOT sooner#i've got a scattered 20k worth of it so far of actual fic and over 10k worth of notes. 2k of those notes are for a single episode rewrite#i know that might not sound like a lot to some people but only the first main fic is done. the third one is arceus chronicles.#im making. choices. that's for sure. and writing so much aura lore you have no idea#i might need to make a family tree soon#willowarts
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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
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working here is making me a little bit nuts abt antibullying again <3
#i mean ive always been a little nuts abt it. but its worse rn :)#i have been saying For Years that the reason antibullying campaigns have been so toothless is bc theyve ignored root causes#you cannot fight bullying while ignoring discrimination in our larger society#its not a fucking 80s movie people dont (frequently) get bullied Just for being nerds irl. the go to examples are so outdated#i could get into specifics but i think i dont need to! its ableism its racism its classism etc etc etc#we need to be actively teaching kids from a young age that at the bare minimum? acting on discriminatory beliefs is wrong#there needs to be actual consequences and understanding of why its wrong#we need to talk abt these issues WITH specifics. talk abt exactly whats wrong and why#call out specific common jokes explain slurs talk abt current events related to these issues#and fucking get rid of the 0 tolerance bullshit ive never heard of it doing anything but punishing the victim for fighting back#and i know some people will still be missed by this programming bc of their home life or influences. you really cant win them all#but you at least need to fucking try and attack this problem from the root instead of snipping vaguely at leaves#levi.txt#and i dont want to hear SHIT abt how your precious baby is too young to learn abt discrimination bc itll make them sad#as long as there are kids their age facing it? theyre not too young to try and understand#i just. aughhhh#like. ive been there dude i got bullied for a long ass time#didnt know why at the time but looking back it was absolutely bc i was nd#and that was so long ago and its still not better. it fuckin kills me man we should be getting over this#delete later#im very tired and this is a Big Rant but idfk man!! im mad#this shit ends lives youd think wed take it more seriously
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eeneks sister having a fuck ton of scars, but later most of them being revealed as just from her childhood/from mundane accidents is so fucking funny to me for some reason.........
#like of course a lot of her scars ARE blade of marmora -related#but a significant part of em are just. eens scratches n bites & the results of mundane fuck ups#god. i hate calling her 'eeneks sister' all the time. i NEED to find a good name for her asap!!!!!!#constantly calling one of your only female characters '[someone]s sister/daughter/etc' feels wrong and this woman deserves better than that#also. ignore the scar placement. it WILL change#i am incapable of drawing scars consistently#and im still figuring out her design#my funky guys#my art#im a little bit obsessed with her. shes like a sad wet cat to me#shes so cool and cringe at the same time<333#20 something who spent her entire adult life as a marmora solider and is now trying very hard to learn how to be Normal(its not going well)#girl has issues#love that for her<3#ive been on an eenek kick lately. thinking about this fucked up family 24/7. i love them#theyre all so funny to me. this family of three has so much drama its like a fuckin soap opera in here. its ridicoulus#also#taks thinks this woman is soooo cool and badass. i mean she is but shes also a wreck.#taks takes after eenek and idolises their sister. paralells ig???#this girl sees a purple alien and asks 'is anyone gonna use this guy as their role model for the next couple of years??'#and doesnt wait for an answer
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Hey, do you got doctors appointments you need to schedule but haven’t for whatever dumb reason (for me, laziness. probably. no no, complacency. That sounds better)? Well, go do it! Now! or soon! You need to just hurry up and schedule that shit! I’m sorry! Make the call! You gotta! You’re probably gonna have to wait multiple weeks for the appointment anyway, so if you wait until the problem is really bad, then you’re just condemning yourself to waiting extra long to get checked out. Jeez!
#this is mostly directed at me#still having breathing issues#it maaaaay be related to sinus issues. I don’t think that’s entirely it but it’s worth a shot#My sinuses have been messed up for so so long and it’s killing me and I just now set up an ENT appointment#so now. good job at making the appointment. but now you gotta wait 2.5 weeks just for the initial check-in#I just want someone to stick a lil camera up my nose and see why my lil holes always feel so swollen 🥺#my poor lil holes 🥺#but I’ll probably have the initial meeting and then if I can convince them to scope me out that’ll take a bit to schedule. probably.#been having breathing issues lately which you may have noticed if you skimmed any of my recent flood of text posts#went looking back through old head scan reports and and saw some mentions of nasal polyps and blockage#that of course no one ever mentioned at the time#and I’ve always suspected that my sinuses might be deviated or have growths or whatever bc breathing was never my strong suit#but maybe it’s nothing 🤷🏻♂️#but maybe it’s something. that’s the thing. I should have looked into this before it got bad#I have a real bad issue with complacency#life doesn’t even have to be GOOD. as long as I can live and not be stressed and be lazy I will 99% of the time just do nothing#hence… why my life is like… this. uneventful. sad. bare minimum of an existence.#this is getting too existential and self-deprecating#I don’t know what I’m going to do for 2.5 weeks. stressful.#I know it won’t fix all of my problems. not my MAIN issues. but doing SOMETHING is not nothing. especially if it takes the edge off#too many tags#you can ignore this#just go make that phone call!#I’d make it for you if I could!#text
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My view every morning while I sit on my couch before I start whatever I have to do during the day. Not half bad.
Had to put the yellow mums on the table, as the smaller ones (lower right) keep getting blown off the table and and smashed.
I wish I could be content. I still struggle but I am way better than I was. I’ve lost 35 lbs and counting since getting off some of the heavier psych meds, so physically I am healthier (I guess…I’m always fucking tired). I can do my hobbies again, I’m making it to work, I have my own little place. But is that it for someone with a chronic mental illness? Is that all I can hope for? Will I ever be able to go back to my career again? Will I continue to hide, making myself as small and quiet as possible so as not to bother anyone? Will anyone see me again, in spite of that?
#picture#outdoors#reading#now if i could bring myself to start going for walks again#i’ve had no energy#chronic illness#pmdd#fuck the other diagnoses#except generalized anxiety disorder i so have that#i think the pmdd has been my struggle the whole time#but since uterus-related issues tend to get ignored#in recovery#tired of being invisible#tired of settling#mums
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more than a month after my previous kotor update i am happy to announce that i have finally met jolee and had him join me <3
#el plays kotor#yes im still on kashyyyk dont look at me#i was distracted by other games for a sec lmao but sth made me return to kotor yesterday#and now the party is complete!!!#and i have found 3 star maps and the plot is thickening!!!!#i keep wondering. if i hadn't been spoiled abt the pc's true identity would i have pieced it together by now#bc the foreshadowing isn't exactly subtle#or maybe it just feels unsubtle to me precisely because i know what is being foreshadowed....#but like. from the very beginning carth is like hmm its kinda sus that you happened to be on the endar spire#and then all those conversations with bastila that make u go hmmmm what's that supposed to mean#and then... when getting the star map on kashyyyk the hologram says sth abt you matching the required behavioral patterns or whatev#and that the last time it was used was five years ago And you can reply with 'hey revan was in these parts five years ago right'#like!!! yeah!!!! it was me!!!! i was the last user five years ago thats why i match the pattern i am revannnnnnnn#i have to know. did the first kotor players back in 2003 figure it out by this point hngngngnhng#or like any other players after 2003 who played and managed to avoid spoilers#anyway back to jolee. he is so cool but also so squishy on god#apparently some ppl give him a blaster to keep him out of melee but like you cant give a blaster to a jedi..... so uncivilized.......#i set him to use force powers until he runs out of force points#but the moment he runs out of force points and jumps into the fray he goes down. sigh#maybe im doing something wrong again. maybe i should let go of my jedi pride and just give him a blaster#i should also probably use all those energy shields and battle stimulants i have hoarded. i keep forgetting abt them lmao#also!!! @ the mutual who sent me that kotor related ask also more than a month ago i just wanted to let u kno. i have replied to it#i mean if u missed it or if u didnt get a notif or forgot or anything else that's cool !!#i just get all worried that ppl might think i havent answered and that im ignoring them if they dont indicate they've seen the reply gfhgfh#but that's a me issue. i just wanted to make sure u knew 🫶#anyway!! next stop manaan maybe#but first a detour to tatooine to deal with mission's useless deadbeat brother
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oooh there about to be some mfing ND on ND crime at work if this fucker keeps trying me
#high anxiety noise sensitivity high sense of justice ND#meets vocal stims and 'doesnt do his job because he knows he can get away with it and push shit onto other ppl' ND#like he NEEDS a job coach and he needs help but there's like. INTENT in this shit he does. like he KNOWS and i feel like#all the NT's at work just ignore it and let him do it because they dont fucking realize it IS something he can help and change#he has focus issues and memory issues. all valid but not at all related how he actively ignores direction or gets sassy and how ill watch#him fuck shit up after having looked around to make sure no one sees him. shit he's been told SOOOO many times how to do/etc. AND HE KNOWS#i have told this bastard sO MANY TIMES to not abandon me in the evening to cover his TEN+ MINUTE BATHROOOOM BREAAAAAAAAKS!!!!!!!!#and he just walked out before i could even say No. I won't be Covering Your Position. Get a Manager.#and i was late getting home#wishing ill intent on him!!!! im tired of everyone having to fix his shit or deal with his gross behavior or get extra work#just because management doesnt know how to deal with a bad employee who HAPPENS to be ND and because corp wont get him a job coach#it's not FAAAAAAIR AND IM OVER IT!!!!#cw negativity#anyway the plus side of coming home pISSED is im awake and ready to write#and like MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE QUIT /because/ of this dude like idk if there's legal shit involved or like fucking what but like i have#no idea why he still has a job. he's been there longer than me btw. i think at some point he said like fucking 5 years#PERISH!!!!
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Cis straight people will look you in the face and swear up and down they support you but the moment you even dip a toe out of the surface level "hows the weather today" bullshit conversations suddenly they get uncomfortable and they can't seem to figure out that they obviously have hella homo/trans/queerphobia to unpack.
#acceptance#like the fact that ive helped this friend thru many issues#a family member passing and their relationship problems#and the moment i bring up some minor ass issue that relate to my queer identity#suddenly#they dont wanna talk anymore#and they ignore me?#like okay thanks for letting me know how shallow your for queer people really is#im so sick of this bullshit#like you either accept us fully for who we are#or just FUCK OFF and stop pretending#im so tired of surface level bullshit#also funny how these kinds of people talk about their sexuality all the time without even realizing it#yet when queerfolk do its a problem#they dont even realize how they clearly see us as not the same as them and that they see us as abnormal#and their cisgendered straightness is the normal default in their minds#im just ranting a ton rn but im just fucking tired#tired of the world making me feel like a freak for just living my life#tired of the fakeness these kinds of people display#tired of how is feels like weve made no progress#tired of the fact that ill NEVER get to just live my life without constant worry and fear#obviously not ALL cis straight people who call themselves allies are this way#but wayyyyy too many are hella fake and they dont even realize it
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Warum sagt deine Mutter nicht "Gesundheit" und ist dann sauer wenn Andere es sagen?! Ist die immer so oder nur bei dieser einen speziellen Sache?? o_o
(Frage in Bezug zu meinen tags in diesem reblog)
Keine Ahnung, warum sie kein Gesundheit sagt, aber ich hab ihr schon mehrmals in der Vergangenheit gesagt, dass ich es schön fände wenn sie es sagt? Einmal hat sie die Ausrede rausgeholt, dass ich doch komisch niese und sie denkt, es wäre ein Husten (sie sagt es aber auch nicht wirklich zu anderen und andere haben kein Problem damit mein Niesen zu erkennen lmao ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
Sie ist nicht wirklich sauer, wenn andere es sagen? Ich glaub, wenn andere es sagen fällt ihr nur auf, dass sie es selbst nicht macht und is deshalb eher mies gelaunt? Die Emotionen sind wahrscheinlich eher auf sie selbst gerichtet, weshalb sie mal ein bisschen davon angepisst war. Aber ich hab sie nie näher danach gefragt. Ich sage ihr lieber, dass ich es gerne hätte, wenn sie mir mal Gesundheit sagen würde, als das ich frage, ob sie tiefere Gründe dahinter hat, es nicht zu sagen :/ Man denkt, dass so ne kleine Nettigkeit nicht schwer wäre aber bleghhh scheint schon so zu sein?
Zugegebenermaßen vergisst sie oft solche Art von Sachen 💀 Ich kann ihr noch so oft sagen, sie solle mich doch bitte als ihr "Kind" anstatt von "Sohn" vorstellen und sie kriegt es trotzdem nicht hin. Hat sogar neulich, als wir wo offizieles waren, wo ich meinen Ausweis zeigen musste, "Tochter" gesagt anstatt "Kind" 💀 Ist es soooo schwer ein geschlechtsneutrales Wort zu sagen??
Aber ne, sie sonst nicht wirklich sauer, wenn andere Leute besseres Benehmen haben als sie. Ich habs nur gerne, wenn mir Gesundheit gesagt wird und sie sagt es nie, außer andere sagen es zuerst, warum auch immer das so is :/
#ask te jaxon#anon#ich wollte gerade schlafen gehen (wir gucken nicht auf die Uhr) und noch nen bisschen tumblr scrollen#und sehe dann diese frage#saß hier gute 10 minuten oder mehr am überlegen wie verdammt ich man nochmal deutsch schreibt#es ist jahre her das ich was größeres auf deutsch geschrieben habe lmaooo#my mom's just weirddddd#i dunno why she feels competitive or smth only after other people said it to me first#the time she was pissed was because it was like a stranger at a clothing store and i pointed out to her how nice that was of them#that was the time she also told me my sneezing sounds like coughing#i have a lot of voice related issues stemming from my mom to friends comments and also dysphoria#and sneezing is still a noise i make with my mouth so like?? constantly having sneezes ignored when with her is not;;#the healthiest for my mind lmao#i sneeze often too so my frustration builds up pretty fast towards that when visiting her#sorry i switched to english in the tags it's more comfortable for me especially online writing in german is so hard 💀#native language who german is so hard lmao
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Casually tearing up to the line 'we dragged ourselves through hell and we'll be dammed if we go back' on my way to class. As one does on a regular monday morning
#strangers and die4u and darkside are very relatable in these trying times#anyway#i decided to no longer have any eating disordered behaviors nor to have any issues with my body#wtf i did this for over 8 years and felt so Free when i got over it and now I'm just ignoring the past 4 years of freedom to crawl back#into this hell?! like what? i hate it here goddammit#but whatever. I'm free now lol#void screams
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i know i'm behind on monthly fic recs btw, i'm so sorry 😭 life has been kinda shitty the last few months and i just haven't had the energy. i will do them at some point tho, i promise, even if it's next year lol.
#no one has asked or anything i just#wanted to let you all know#i don't wanna say i'll have time this weekend but#maybe#hopefully#my issues are family related and everyone is probably gonna be here this weekend since it's a holiday so#no promises#here's to hoping tho#ignore me
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i mean i do not personally relate to sweet nothing being about mothers in general like....at all lol. my mother uses any and every vulnerability of mine against me eventually so i cant super relate to the softness and comfort of having a mom to run home to. but its just so andrea swift it makes me wanna die
#as an example back in 2017? 2018?#i mentioned off handedly to my mom i was trying to get taylor tickets and had to like plan for the presale or whatever#and of course she just kinda went oh uh huh. okay. bc she doesnt think anything about me is interesting unless it serves her#but then a few weeks later when we were fighting about something or other she was like 'you need to spend less time getting taylor swift#concert tickets and more time focusing on getting a job and getting through school'#as if those are mutually exclusive or even related. and thats the thing she never listens and totally ignores me#but somehow she remembers my hobbies or my likes when shes fucking angry and wants to use it against me#and this is what she does with just my hobbies imagine the shit she has done when ive been vulnerable about#my emotions or issues in my life lol. like she would absolutely tell jake anything i said about him. not that i would ever go#to her for relationship advice but everything has to be 10000% perfect when i talk to her about my relationship#or else she will be like oh this is happening because youre such a bitch to everyone or because you dont do blah blah blah#anyway so cannnot relate lol but id like this song to be about andrea#sweet nothing#midnights#ts#op
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